How to flirt like you don't mean it.

Q	October 21, 2003 How to flirt like you don't mean it Dear Em & Lo, I am that guy who has great women friends but never more than that. But of late I've gotten tired of hearing the "you are such a great guy" stuff. My fear of being in any way predacious has kept me from pushing flirtation further. But I am far more physically oriented and passionate than I've allowed myself to act. I'm trying to loosen up and that's the problem. Do you have any suggestions about how to feel less like a predator in potential dating situations? — No More Mr. Nice Guy
A	Dear Nice Guy, We've seen this problem before. While everyone agrees you'd make a super-dooper boyfriend, you're having trouble getting from point A to point B(oyfriend). You try to be a decent human being by not being a macho asshole, and the women around you reward your admirable efforts by dating only macho assholes. You've got a party in your pants, if only the ladies would RSVP. Maybe your pants aren't tight enough. Queer Eye makeovers aside, you need to find ways to subtly convey your sex machine status. You need to get over your fear of being a little saucy around your girl [pause] friends. Flirtatiousness is not predaciousness (this distinction is lost on the women who date the assholes). As long as you are not malicious, dishonest, or thoroughly inconsiderate, you can be a cad with a conscience — okay, you can be cadish..  First off, be a little more touchy-feely — but keep it light. Poke her in the side next time you're making fun of her (and do make fun of her), nudge her in the arm when you're making fun of someone else together, tickle her, squeeze her shoulders when she's sitting down, muss her hair up, grab her hand and spin her into a dip when Outkast's "Hey Ya" comes on the radio (not during a slow song). Again, all this contact should be short and sweet. Don't suddenly lean in close after she's told you about her sick grandma and place a "comforting" hand on her thigh while maintaining deep eye contact — that's just creepy. And no WWF-inspired head locks so you can tickle her until she literally pisses her pants.  Other ways you can be a stand-up, take-charge kind of flirt: Buy her a drink. Hold the door open for her. Compliment her when she dresses up with a playful growl in her ear or a friendly wolf whistle. Indulge in a little sexual innuendo (but only if you can tell the difference between witty, tongue-in-cheek innuendo and sleazy, frat-boy innuendo). Do anything you can to remind her that you're not just a cuddly-wuddly teddy bear, you're also a hunk of a man from Mars. (Slip us the sleeping pills now for making that reference without a hint of irony.)  The most important aspect of all this tactile and emotional flirting is that it seem breezy, spur-of-the-moment, nonchalant, confident, meaningless, mindless, and goal-less. Thus, you might find it easier to practice on the women you have zero sexual interest in first (just not on the one who has been crushing on you since the fifth grade, lest you lead her on). Flirt randomly and without discretion, but never excessively, and no one will feel weird about it. Remember, you're not flirting to get laid — how desperate! No, you're flirting because you're just a sexy guy who can't help himself.  After all, you love women! (But you never ever profess out loud to anyone that you "love women," because that's what insecure, meatheaded homophobes do, and it's gross.) Once you feel a little more comfortable playing this romantic role, that's when you can be a little more discriminating with the sauce: turn it down a notch (not off) with your platonic lady friends and turn it up with the ones you really dig. Otherwise, you risk leaving a trail of unrequited love and broken hearts in your wake, you cad! Always bridesmaids, Em & Lo